While playing his trumpet of brass,
A musician, (thought of as “class”),
Remembered the art
Of whistling a fart,
So he played one short verse with his arse.
A Collection of Funny, and Sometimes a Little Naughty, Limericks, created by Nigel Sutherland
The Ravenous Crab
A desperately ravenous crab,
Seeing a half-rotted fish, made a grab.
It then found itself stuck
In a trap, out of luck,
And now lies on a Fishmonger's slab.
Barge for Sale
A sailor was selling a barge,
He described as "fantastically large",
He said "It’s not small,
Has a massive great hall,
Plus a sauna, gym, pool, and garage”.
The Innebriated Guardsman
A Snooker Club visit was marred,
By a rather drunk Grenadier Guard,
He placed, while unstable,
His balls on the table,
An action which got himself barred.
The Drunken Lass
Having supped an excess of fine liquors,
(Whilst attending a do at the Vicar’s),
A drunk lass made a mess
Down the front of her dress,
And twenty times worse in her knickers.
The Cocktail Mixer
A barman while mixing a drink,
For a customer, noticed her wink.
He said “Yes we call
It ‘Long Screw Against the Wall’,
But it’s really just not what you think!”.
The Exhibitionist
To the crowd, on a 'Round-the-World' cruise,
A lady showed-off her tattoos,
She went on to say,
“I’m not usually this way,
I can only assume it’s the booze”.
The Dental Appointment
Whilst showing a dentist her teeth,
A lady said “Let’s keep this brief,
Yes, I hope that one day,
We can 'have-it-away',
But, darling, you must wear a sheath.”
The Flirty Casanova
A drunk Casanova would flirt,
With anyone wearing a skirt.
He got his comeuppance,
When offering tuppence,
To a kilt-wearing jock from Tarbert.
The Curious Birder
A particularly curious birder,
Fell to his death from a girder.
He’d been struck on the nose,
By a flock of black crows,
Appropriately known as "a murder".
The Murderous Wife
An incredibly frustrated wife,
Attacked her shocked spouse with a knife.
(She’d heard him admit,
That her cooking was shit),
And he paid for that gaffe with his life.
The Musical Strumpet
A notorious, but musical strumpet,
Has been learning to play a brass trumpet,
All her clients agree,
That to a degree,
She’s really quite talented crumpet.
The Incontinent Builder
A builder who hailed from Dundee,
Would involuntarily pee.
Halfway up a ladder,
He emptied his bladder,
And those on the ground had to flee.
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The Animal Artist
A man who liked drawing cartoons, And listening to avant-garde tunes, Was somebody who Would go to the zoo And sketch the baboons and...
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A builder who hailed from Dundee, Would involuntarily pee. Halfway up a ladder, He emptied his bladder, And those on the ground had to ...
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A notorious, but musical strumpet, Has been learning to play a brass trumpet, All her clients agree, That to a degree, She’s really quite t...
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A Snooker Club visit was marred, By a rather drunk Grenadier Guard, He placed, while unstable, His balls on the table, An action which got ...